Tension, the Truth, and An Open Heart

Feeling tired, like I want to take a nap, or feeling a tight pinch at the base of my skull, or a heaviness in my chest, are often symptoms - not of an illness or disease, but of a resistance to the truth.

I like to think of myself as pretty self-aware - more in touch with what's going on with me emotionally than most people and more willing to acknowledge it. But this morning after my regular chores, I wanted to go back in the house and take a nap. Although it seemed strange since it was still early in the day and I'd had a good night's sleep, I decided it was a residual tired from last week's stomach bug. 

But first I had to let my horse Brown back out into her pasture. As she followed me to the gate and I turned to speak to her, I burst into tears and heard myself say, let myself say, "Brown, I'm gonna miss you so much."

Brown has bladder cancer and while I've known this for awhile and have felt waves of grief ever since her diagnosis, the feelings surprised me this time. I didn't know they were there and didn't feel them coming. 

So I took the time to let myself cry - a deep from my heart kind of sobbing - and felt into the quality and tone of my grief as it rumbled from and out through my chest. And after some time of staying with and tracking the sensations I began to feel an opening in my face and chest. It was as if I'd opened a window inside myself, releasing a light, soft, love-feeling that spilled out of me and into the space around me.  I felt light and buoyant as I walked back to the house, realizing with surprise, that I no longer needed a nap. It was then that I realized that the unconscious internal bracing and the protective closure around my heart, were the source of my tiredness.

Despite having experienced this, maybe hundreds of times, (with myself and my clients), I'm often still surprised at how much stuff can be happening at the level of the bodily felt sense and my Shelly-brain not know. I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes from Gay Hendricks. He says, "Tension is the energy it takes to keep the truth out of awareness."

And I'm reminded too, that while the unconscious bracing around my heart thinks it's protecting me, it's actually the bracing itself that hurts.

As for me and Brown, we're in a process. But she continues to remind me to be present - not just with her, but mostly with myself and to the truth of my inner experience. So if my heart is breaking, it's best to just let it break and let it break open, because only an open heart can know love and lightness and freedom.